Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)